Why Not Me?

Recently, I was diagnosed with a Cavernous Malformation (CM) in my brain.  A CM is an abnormal cluster of thin blood vessels that can bleed and cause seizures. My seizures have been relatively minor - I have not lost consciousness during one - but there is a risk they could become more serious. Yesterday, I was advised to stop driving. Ironically, my mother has Parkinson's, and I am her caregiver. So now we both are looking for rides - to doctors, grocery stores, hairdressers, lunch with friends - trying to keep as much normalcy as possible in the midst of life-altering circumstances. I have to get use to waiting for someone else, just as my mother has done in the years since she had to stop driving.  I am now trying to decide if I should close up my art studio and classes, trying to push for answers that will take their time evolving.

Can the seizures be controlled? Don't know. Will I have to have surgery? Not sure. Will I be able to drive again? Maybe, maybe not. Will I become permanently disabled? Wait and see. Will my life get back to normal? This is normal - for me at this time in my life.

When people ask if I am scared, I have to admit that I am a little. But I have been trying to prepare myself for this stage of my life for many years. I watched as family members, friends and colleagues battled terminal illnesses with strength, dignity, and humor. I watched as people stricken with grief faced the uncertain future one day at a time; or, on the tough days, minute by minute. I have been humbled by the beautiful smiles and courage of sick young children coping with pain and suffering. 

Years ago, when going through a traumatic divorce, I agonized over the questions, "Why? Why me?" I have come to realize that pain, disappointment and loss are a normal part of life; I can bear whatever life brings me with faith, support, and a focus on "one day/hour/minute at a time." When I ask the question, "Why not me?" the answer seems so simple.